Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
