it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
