Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
