Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
