I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize