she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
