That's intense
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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