So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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