I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
