I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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