on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
