life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
