Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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