All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
