So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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