They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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