Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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