Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
