Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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