I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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