I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
