I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Im part way to drunk.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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