If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
