I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
