I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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