I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
