I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
