I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
