I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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