I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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