where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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