make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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