She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
