and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
