More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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