I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
