i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
