mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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