I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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