when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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