I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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