last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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