I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
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Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
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Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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