The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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