I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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