I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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