Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
