Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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