I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Randomize
