put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
