Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I forgot how hot balto sounded
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
