I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
