if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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