so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You need a sexual gate keeper
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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