Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
